Book Launch: SAINT SANGUINUS

The absotively, posilutely best thing about the interwebs is discovering like-minded friends in far-off places.

Today is launch day for SAINT SANGUINUS,
the debut novel of Apprentice Writer's online amiga Julia Phillips Smith. AW is delighted to introduce this brand-spanking new author, and have the chance to pick her newly professional writerly brain.

Congratulations, Julia! First things first: the cover. Did you have input regarding art or title?

One of the pluses - or minuses depending on your point of view - of self-publishing is the amount of creative control an author has over the finished product. In traditional publishing one can fill out a style sheet and suggest things, but it's really the marketing department that has the final say as to cover art and title of the book. An author has to trust that it's in the best interests of everyone involved to produce the best cover possible, with the catchiest, stop-em-in-their tracks title, ever.

With self-publishing, it's important to pay attention to other covers currently in the marketplace. Does your genre tend to feature a hero brandishing a weapon? Does your genre currently trend toward blue covers, or red, or orange? What do the covers of the top sellers in your genre look like?

Unless you're someone with graphic design skills, I wouldn't recommend designing your own cover. Hiring a professional to do your story justice - a story into which you've likely poured your heart and soul - will result in the wonderful moment when you first gaze upon a dream come true.

As for my title, I followed the time-honored convention of naming a superhero origin story after the title character.

The title certainly is memorable! What comes to you first: hero? Heroine? Ending? One-liners?

For me, stories always come in a vision-like flash. I'll be minding my own business, and then wham! I'm deep in the midst of a dramatic sequence unfolding in my mind's eye, and I haven't the slightest clue what's going on. Who is he? Why are they doing that to him? What's going on here?

Then I have to sort out what's what, almost like stumbling into a playground fight and listening to everyone's 'He started it!'

I can honestly say no character has ever come to me in quite that way. What's your favorite scene in 'Saint Sanguinus'?

My favorite scene comes toward the end, during the big set piece. Hero in jeopardy, deep in the Black Moment - my favorite! If it was a film, it would be the part I obsessively watch over and over again. Not that I'm prone to doing that *cough, cough*

Heh. What's a typical writing day look like for you?
Once upon a time, I didn't have a typical writing day. I wrote in creative bursts.

But over the years I've definitely developed a writing routine. Mon-Fri I work at my day job. So during the week I wait until evening to climb into the creativity cockpit. I'm a night owl by nature, so writing from 8:30-12:30 or sometimes 2:00am works best for me. That's when I'm really on. Even on the weekends, when theoretically I could write at any time, I still do my best writing between 8:00 pm and 2:00 am.

I love the image of climbing into the creativity cockpit. How does your family feel about you being an author?

I come from a creative background, so I've always had 100% support. No need to explain why I need to hibernate and ignore the garden, for example. Even my dog seems to encourage my scheduled time at the computer.

My garden and children don't seem to operate that way. Your best writing habit?

This has evolved directly from participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month - taking place right now! www.nanowrimo.org). I followed one character exclusively during the writing marathon, realizing it took too much mental rearranging to go back and forth between points of view. I then followed the heroine's POV exclusively. This helped me to realize that immersing myself wholly into the character is vital, and it's a new way of working that I'm now applying to all my stories.

I've never tried that technique before. Perhaps I should experiment! Worst writing vice?

Trying to tune into the revisions channel in my head. For the longest time, I thought it was a matter of finely tuning the same invisible dial that brought me to the story in the first place. Finally, it dawned on me that there is no revisions channel, at least not like the Generating A New Story channel that runs 24/7 in my mind.

Instead I had to get my own shiny revisions toolkit from the Put On Your Big Girl Panties store and just get on with it.

Social Networking: wolf in sheep's clothing or blessing in disguise?

Social networking is an immense, globally available, free marketing tool no writer should leave out of his or her press kit.

As a longtime blogger, I have online friendships with people all over the world. Think of attempting to spread word-of-mouth promo in countries like Australia, England, Denmark, Israel and all across the US by traditional means. This is already accomplished for me, because I have blog friends in all those places.

Nightstand Inspection! What was the last ____ you read?

Contemporary: The Christmas Baby Bump, by Lynne Marshall
Historical: Heiress in Love, by Christina Brooke
UF/Paranormal/Fantasy: The Strangely Beautiful Tale of Miss Percy Parker, by Leanna Renee Hieber
Mystery/Suspense/Thriller: Spring Break, by Kayla Perrin
Memoir/Non-Fiction: The Supernatural Companions, by Nicholas Knight

That's quite the diverse lineup. Who is your writing idol and why?

Jo Beverly. She takes the time to place the reader squarely in the time and place of her historical romances, without ever slowing the pace of her stories. She never lets modern sensibilities intrude upon the historical tale she's telling. She manages to address the unromantic truths of her historic time periods without losing the shine of her happily ever after. Plus, she's a master of dialogue that carries the rhythms of real speakers, while still managing to weave story momentum within it.

Wow. I hope I write stories like Jo Beverly when I grow up. Just, like, in contemporary times and with comedy instead of historical drama and stuff.
Which literary character do you wish you'd thought of first?

Quentin Tarantino's The Bride from the "Kill Bill" series. But I'm glad he did think of such a kick-ass heroine.

You betray your roots by your choice of ultimate character from cinema instead of printed page!
Best piece of advice for aspiring writers?

The biggest thing - when you hit the point when you leave behind the infatuation stage with your own raw talent and now face the cliff-climbing phase of perfecting your craft - once you get to the top of that cliff, you will be like The Bride. You will kick ass yourself. Keep going.

I'm somewhere on that cliff now too.
How much tech know-how should one have to self-publish? Should a person like Apprentice Writer who barely manages to log on to Twitter or Facebook simply exclude that road to publication?

No, you don't have to exclude it. But you will have to be willing to pay other people to do the various aspects for you.

Self-publishing means wearing many hats, but it doesn't mean you will do every job yourself. I've hired my own little project team to prepare SAINT SANGUINUS for publication, including a graphic designer for the cover, a producer for the book trailer, a copy editor/proofreader for the manuscript and a formatter for the e-book prep.

Each book will require its own creative/technical team. Skimping on these aspects will produce an inferior product going out to readers, and I personally don't want to have my name on that.

A true co-operative effort. Anything else you'd like to share with AW's readers?

There was a time in my life when following my dreams seemed to have turned into a colossal joke. In embracing my artistic aspirations, I had a film degree but no way to pursue that field, because unforeseen health issues made working for free - in order to collect film credits - a complete impossibility.

Obviously, even through truly soul-crushing times, I managed somehow to hold onto my original dreams. Even though I tried to keep them at arms' length, they hid in little places deep inside of me. I kept working at telling stories by learning to write novels instead of making films.

In my personal life, my husband and I managed to climb out of the financial pit in which we'd languished. The health issues continued, but over time we've learned not only how to live with them, but flourish despite them. Suddenly, planets alligned or something, because things started falling into place at a rapid rate this year.

So what I'd like to share with your readers is this. Life really does kick you in the gut sometimes. The dark part of "...it's always darkest before the dawn..." can choke you into unconsciousness. But take it from me.

DON'T give up. NEVER give up.

Thanks Julia, for showing your story so honestly.

Gentle Readers, you can purchase SAINT SANGUINUS from Amazon from 18 November.

Visit Julia at www.juliaphillipssmith.com to learn more.

Bored? Have some Drama, Freshly Squeezed!

Apprentice Writer's endurance march on wordcount has been sidetracked in the last few days by fireworks in Romanceland.

For those unaware: Harlequin Publishing, a giant in the industry, decided to open a separate arm for those aspiring writers whose manuscripts were deemed not good enough for Harlequin but who still wanted to see their book in print. Harlequin created the 'Harlequin Horizons' brand amid somewhat confusing information about what exactly the brand affiliation and author benefits would be, announced the imminent discontinuation of it's longtime editorial service-for-hire, and announced that rejection letters would commence inclusion of a notice about the new service.

Uproar ensued.

Apprentice Writer has neither the energy nor eloquence at this moment to uncross her eyes and wax poetic. Instead, some links for a crash course on Harlequinfail as it has been described:

For a comment thread about a lightyear long, with with some participants in favor but mostly not, take a look at Smart Bitches Trashy Books.

For an amusing comment on the comment thread, take a look at The Examiner.

For comments from a Harlequin lead hand, and discussion about the difference between self-publising and vanity press, take a look at Dear Author.

For an opinion from other press, take a look at the New Yorker.

For an opinion on what this means to authors and publishing in general, take a look at author Sherry Thomas.

And, if you have time for only one link which clearly breaks the nature of concerns down:

An excellently clarifying cross-section by author Jackie Kessler.

Reader Eccentricities

In a theoretical literary world, books would be judged solely on such factors as originality, quality of prose, believable characters, drama....

The Gentle Reader gets the point.

In practice, books are filtered through each reader's unique mental baggage, causing potential emotional over- or under-reactions . A parent of a child with Asperger's Syndrome might react to a book like Jennifer Ashley's 'The Madness of Lord Ian MacKenzie ' in a different way than another parent. A person whose family has been touched by suicide might read Nick Hornby's 'A Long Way Down' very differently than someone for whom the issue is distant.

Those are no-brainers - anyone can understand why mileage would vary when a large, real-life issue is involved..

Then we come to the differences in reaction Apprentice Writer calls micro-baggage.

Tiny idiosyncratic things that wield disproportionate power in how the reader sees the book overall. Pet peeves and preferences that act like lightning bolts, instantly upping or downing the general likability. One of the reviewers at 'Dear Author', for example, talked about how a book will start out at a 'B' grade before even any words have been consumed if the heroine is Asian, and then increase or decrease in final mark depending on how the story goes. Apprentice Writer's example of an automatic 'upper' is when the story or parts of it is set in an unusual location.

Then there is the converse. A blogger whose name/site is lost to the sands of time (doesn't that sound much better than 'Apprentice Writer's lacklustre memory'?) wrote about a book starting out with the odds against it when the heroine is described as not only red-headed but temparamental. Too great of a cliche for her to overcome.

Apprentice Writer's hangup - when authors use words incorrectly. These are people, after all, for whom "vocabulary, use of" is the main tool of the trade.

It seems natural to expect that authors would apply words with more skill, grace and knowledge that the average person.

Why then,

- .....is the term 'nauseous' (i.e. nausea causing) used so often in place of 'nauseated' (i.e. suffering from nausea)? Apprentice Writer can't count how many times she's read variations of a character announcing he/she feels nauseous. Why someone - especially a heroine in hot pursuit of a hero, or vice versa - would want people to know they have the power to make others sick to their stomach is a mystery.

- Are there so many authors who seem unaware of the existence of the word 'whom'?

- ....are plurals so difficult? The word 'phenomena' (plural) is used for a single instance of something in many, many books, rather than the singular 'phenomenon'. Granted, this is an exceptional case - but so is cactus/cacti, which most people seem to know, and which would have much less opportunity for book usage than 'phenomenon'. Same applies to millenia (plural)/ millenium (singular).

This is the kind of thing that bats Apprentice Writer out of the story and makes it very difficult to find her way back in. Once incorrect use rears its head, the whole rest of the story is colored. Because: even if the author was unaware - what about the author's authorly critique partners? What about those infamous copy editors publishing houses employ to terrorize manuscripts with their fine-tooth comb?

It is true that these are nitpicky sorts of things; yet over the years it has become clear that they have a uniquely strong effect on this reader. Since she recognizes that no-one is perfect, that no writer can command any language entirely, and that she should not cheat herself out of the benefits that may wait in the rest of the story, Apprentice Writer is trying to dial down the power of these hot-button kinds of words. She hopes self-awareness is the first step to recovery.

Gentle Reader - What about you? Any reading peeves or preferences?

'THE END' in sight...

Apprentice Writer is mere pages, possibly paragraphs, away from writing 'THE END' for her first manuscript.

In theory, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel should be a tremendous incentive to working faster and faster, mowing down scene after scene now that it's clear what is supposed to happen in each (the gentle reader can tell that this is a pantser speaking).

In practice, this didn't seem to happen to AW. Is she some kind of freak?

Maybe. Or maybe, this is all the result of her specific 'Writing Process'. When AW first heard this phrase at a writer's group meeting, she was a little concerned as she had had no idea she was supposed to have acquired such a beast, much less figured out exactly what it looks like. People have different kinds, and to attempt to write outside of it apparently leads to all sorts of ailments, manuscriptally speaking. This is what AW has learned about hers:

It is very similar to how she goes about jigsaw puzzles. Pieces radiating out from the corners first, till the outside 'frame' is complete, then the most distinctive and recognizable bits for multiple small 'islands' created inside, gradually figuring out how to stitch those islands together, and the vast, uniform bits of featureless blue sky last. That's the part that takes the most time.

AW is now putting the final bits of blue sky in place. Get ready with the confetti and chocolate, everyone.

(Non?)Laughter Review #22

ROMEO, ROMEO
Robin Kaye
Contemporary Romance

Premise
Hardworking, housekeeping-challenged executive meets hardworking, housekeeping-gifted CEO under deceptive circumstances.

Cover
Anonymous manchest behind breakfast tray destined (presumably) for woman lounging in bed - more or less indicative of content. For Apprentice Writer, the breakfast tray attracted as much as the manchest repelled, so it evened out. It is possible she might have paused to look at it in a bookstore if she hadn't encountered cyberbuzz.

What Works
AW doesn't believe that non-perfect housekeeping means less femininity, or that housekeeping ability decreases masculinity, so she was a good fit for the a story about a non-traditional couple. And how that couple goes about figuring out how to deal with each other in non-traditional ways (not just in the house) was the most interesting part of the story, and in this reader's opinion mostly well-done. Rosalie doesn't just choose to devote her energy to her career rather than her home (much to the dismay of her grandchildren-desiring mother), but she draws the hero's attention by being utterly disinterested in helping him spend his money, and not hoping for a ring. She doesn't try to disguise the state of her home from him, or change her mind about things just because he thinks they shold be done a certain way. It was refreshing.

Also, the character Dave is great. AW is a sucker for inclusion of animals as more than window-dresssing, and the heroine's dog was a nice touch.

What Doesn't
Quotes and blurb talk about "romp", "witty dialogue and a lot of fun", "..Brooklyn Italian-American family values..", "...sparkling voice...". Together with the metallic bubble-gum pink cover, it led this reader to expect an upbeat, comedic book with secondary characters a la 'Moonstruck' or 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding': kooky and at times exasperating yet bound by genuine affection and desire for the others' happiness.

That's not what she got.

The families of both protagonists are absent for long stretches, including puzzling ones such as when the heroine is seriously ill. And when they do show up, the relationships seem troubled, characterized by tension and lack of affection on multiple sides. The only family member the heroine seems to have a positive bond with is her brother - who lives far away and only visits occasionally. The hero is a generous financial provider for his mother and grandmother, but the only time he interacts with them directly during the story is a chance encounter when they spot him before he can sneak away, and which he tries to escape as soon as possible. He visits a cousin often (and is likewise generous to his nephews, as well as the son of an employee; in fact, generosity of spirit is one of his principal traits) but that seems more motivated by simple hunger and the cousin owning a restaurant rather than pure love.

The non-ideal family background of both Rosalie and Nick forms an important part of the reason why they are the way they are and the conflict they need to work through to get to their happy end, so it made a lot of sense for the story that these diverse tensions be included. But the contrast between the way the story panned out, and what seemed to be promised, was grating for this reader.

One of the traps only rare authors escape is the dreaded Overused Word. They are intensely irksome because they are much easier to spot in someone else's work than one's own. AW, for example, is only aware of two of her own OWs . She is certainly not going to share them here because Gentle Readers willl start toting up a tally every time she uses them. In this case, the word seemed to be 'groaned'. The heroine, the hero, the dog, other people - there was a whole lot of groaning going on. Phrases that also came up frequently included asking someone if they were crazy, and saying/thinking they will kill them. AW found the latter odd considering a scene with goombata (a word which AW learned from this book, which totally makes up for the overused word) actually threatening the heroine with guns. Call her crazy (can't resist the easy punchline!) but AW thinks that once the threat of someone being killed becomes real, the expression should be treated with a little more respect and accuracy, not tossed around with the meaning of "I'm not happy with you at this moment because of what you did and would appreciate it if you didn't do it again, thanks".

Finally, two points that crossed AW's personal, subjective line of 'A good idea taken so far it backfires.'

- Rosalie doesn't like to do housework. We get it already. To (over)empasize the point by describing how the pair fall into a pattern of coming home from a long workday, whereupon Rosalie crashes while Nick 1. makes dinner 2. takes care of the dog (after taking Dave with him to work all day) 3. cleans the kitchen, while taking care of all the cleaning and groceries on weekends, was overkill. The sentence where Rosalie is described as '....almost always helping with the dishes....' was the wallbanger. Almost always? HELP with the dishes, in her own house? What the heck is this girl doing with herself while Nick does EVERYTHING? That's just as unfair as if the roles had been reversed. Made her not only slide down on the likability scale, but put the whole 'women are entitled to demanding careers' concept at risk because it was so easy to interpret the way they behaved as proof that it took a man's strength to deal with outside work and indoor chores, whereas the weak woman collapses.

- The secondary doctor character has a habit of dating women Nick breaks up with. He goes so far as to tell this to Rosalie, and how he regrets he might not be able to do so in her case due to his perception of Nick's feelings. Rosalie saw this as a compliment; AW saw examination of a patient as a doctor while anticipating future 'interactions' on a personal level as seriously squicky.

Overall
A generally well-written and entertaining story from a debut author, packaged in a confusing way.

BUT DOES IT MAKE YOU LAUGH?

Not really - but (probably?) not its fault.

If this book presented as 'Straight contemporary romance', AW would say: Mission Accomplished.
Since it presents as 'Light-hearted, comedic romp', AW thinks: Didn't deliver in that way. Having a dog that can push people over when it stands on them, and two carbon-copy executive assistants who feel close enough to their boss to chew them out, isn't enough to qualify as comedic, and the underlying serious issues among family and in the hero's history take it out of the realm of light-hearted romp.

This reader has no way of knowing how the author intended this manuscript. AW hopes readers will give the benefit of the doubt, and not hold possible misleading first impression against her.

The Way We Were (...or wanted to be)

Apprentice Writer somehow became involved in sharing thoughts with Harlequin about books they occasionally send to her. (So far, two American-set 'Love Inspired' Historicals). As a result, she recently received a '2009 Harlequin Vintage Cover' Calendar, celebrating the company's sixty years of 'pure reading pleasure' (according to the back blurb).

The covers? Seriously Wow.

Apparently, in the days when these books cost 35 cents, the kind of titles calculated to attract buyer attention included things like:

"Virgin with Butterflies" (Are experienced women with butterflies any different?)

"Pardon My Body" (Did it sneeze?)

"Idaho" (Take that, Texas!)

"The Manatee" (Obviously a better choice than 'The Platypus')

"You're Lonely When You're Dead" (It's better to be dead together?)

Taglines include:

"She lived like a wicked little animal"

"The private affairs of not-too-private secretaries"

"A fast, salty realistic yarn pulsing with action"

In contrast to many current romance books, all of the illustrations show a woman. Eight include one or more men. There is a lot of leg and plunging decolletage involved, and the kind of figures that used to be called 'buxom'. Four covers depict guns, held by men and women alike. A rampaging bear, a gigantic green hand about to pluck an amorous couple, train tracks and five male heads with wings instead of ears round things out.

Also interesting are the author names: 9 of 12 are either masculine or neutral (e.g. initials). Did female authors adopt male pen names for these early Harlequins? Or did men actually write them? Was Harlequin trying to go after both the male and female segments of the reading public?

Altogether - a very fun and entertaining look into the past. You've come a long way, Cover Babe.

SO LONG, 2008, Part II

One of the first decisions a writer needs to make when dreaming up a new story concerns secondary characters. Include? How many? Do they only get lines in scenes with the main characters or will they have a life of their own?

Apprentice Writer's position is clear: she loves them madly. In books she reads and books she writes (to the point some have gently suggested she may need to rein her writerly instincts in). Here is the AW salute to secondary characters that remain vivid in her memory regardless of how long ago in 2008 she read them:

Magny (Loretta Chase, Your Scandolous Ways) - A mysterious Frenchman, who was not only funny but played a totally unforeseen role.

The Marquess of Wharton and Villiers (Eloisa James, Desperate Duchesses) - A befuddled aristocrat, who writes exquisitely terrible poetry and feels genuine fatherly concern. A brilliant aristrocrat, who plays exquisite chess and feels strange and contradictory emotions.

Charlotte Bronte (Jennifer Vandever, The Bronte Project) - The immortal author whose spirit suffuses the whole delightful novel via chapter epigraphs from her correspondence.

Velith (Ann Aguirre, Grimspace) - A fascinating & philosophical extraterrestrial assasin.

Humpty Dumpty (Jasper Fforde, The Big Over Easy) - By far, the most versatile egg ever.

Toot (Laura Kinsale, My Sweet Folly) - A smart ferret. It's wonderful when animals get real roles, rather than acting as mere window-dressing in novels.

Mother Theresa (Claire Cook, Must Love Dogs) - A blundering St. Bernard puppy. Even more wonderful when dogs aren't written in merely to prove that the hero/heroine is a 'good guy/girl' for being briefly nice to them.

Imperial Rome, 19th century Egypt, 19th century Venice (Lindsey Davis, The Silver Pigs; Elizabeth Peters, Crocodile on the Sandbank; Loretta Chase, Your Scandolous Ways) - Settings that make the reader not only feel they are right there with the characters, but yearn to stay in that world.

Red high heels (Elizabeth Hoyt, The Serpent Prince) - This footwear, belonging to the hero rather than the heroine, took on symbolic life of its own and miraculously managed not to detract from Viscount Iddlesleigh's masculinity.

Gentle Reader - Which secondary characters did you especially love this year?

Experiment: THE BIG H, Report #3

Background:
As someone with no Harlequin/category experience, Apprentice Writer decided to read six titles from the 'Harlequin Historical' line (which publishes 4 titles per month) concurrently to see if patterns develop.


Chapter One

5/6: End by page 22 (which is actually page 15, since text always starts on page 7)
The only one that didn't was first published in UK, where format may be different than North American guidelines

5/6: Hero & Heroine meet by page 5
The prize for speed of bringing the parties together goes to the Tudor title (A SINFUL ALLIANCE, Amanda McCabe) where the very first line reads,

"Her quarry was within her sight."

In the only book where the main characters didn't physcially meet by page 5, the heroine thought of the last time she saw the hero. So: in 6/6 titles, there is some connection between the love interests from Chapter 1 on.

5/6: Leap into action/main conflict of the story
Slow buildup doesn't seem a common theme, with a clear preference for heading into the drama without delay. Bells peal in warning of Viking attack by page 3, a kidnapper appears before the heroine by page 2, the heroine gears up to carry out an assasination from paragraph 1.

4/6: Detailed description of physical appearnce of heroine and/or hero within first 3 pages
Apparently, it is important for devotees of this line to know early on and thoroughly what the main characters look like - and not just in terms of historical costume. Half the titles made a point of mentioning large stature/broad shoulders of the hero, with the prize going to the Regency title (A MOST UNCONVENTIONAL MATCH, Julia Justiss) by working it in at word #3. A third of titles made use of the 'looking in the mirror' ploy to describe the heroine. For two of the titles, it is worth mentioning that there was a good reason for describing physical appearance in such rapid detail; in the Restoration title (THE ABDUCTED HEIRESS, Claire Thornton) the heroine's facial scars play an important role, and in the Tudor title the heroine is in disguise.

6/6: England as main or secondary setting
AW chose the titles for her experiment via a super-quick sift through a literacy street-festival pile, simply searching for different time periods. So the 100% British result is a surprise, especially given that a number of the main characters are of other backgrounds (Danish, French, Norwegian (?), Russian). If AW ever decided to run Experiment II, she would make a point of checking whether other geographies are available, and how hard it is to find them relative to the English juggernaut.

QUESTION:
If publishers offer what sells, then does that mean people of non-English descent are not interested in love among their ancestors?


Things that stood out:
One of the risks a reader takes when developing a fondness for a particular genre is coming across repeating themes so often they become irritating or even stereotypical. It's great when authors not only recognize this danger, but have fun with it. From the Regency title (THE VANISHING VICOUNTESS, Diane Gaston):

"She and Eliza had devised all manner of ways they might meet (Lord Tannerton), none of which they'd dared to carry out. Too bad they had not thought of being caught in a gale on a ship that broke apart and tossed them in the sea."

Sometimes, redundancy lies not in the similarity of theme from author to author, but repetition of words too soon or pointlessly doubling up on meaning. From the Viking title (TAKEN BY THE VIKING, Michelle Styles) scene where a man is cut down:
"...staining the golden sands deep red." Three paragraphs later: "...the golden sands would be stained red.." A few pages later: "...his blood spilt on the golden sand."
Gee, I wonder what color the sand is?

There follows a battle scene, wherein one group "advances forward"(as opposed to advancing backward?) and a warrior's "tongue licked his lips" (in case anyone thought he might lick with a different part of anatomy).

AW is very fond of authors who manage to build up a certain expectation and then take the reader somewhere else. From the Tudor title, in a scene where the heroine is impersonating an employee in a brothel to approach a patron:

"...the sounds of laughter and moaning, the whistle of a whip for those with more exotic tastes. Marguerite hoped that was not a Russian vice. Baring her backside for the lash would surely reveal her dagger."

AW loved how indicative it is of the heroine's character that she doesn't fear the pain or object to the nudity; it's the target realizing she's an agent that worries her.


Gentle Reader - any thoughts on the math or interpretation? Any readers of Harlequin Historicals who can shed some light?

EXPERIMENT: The Big H, Report #2

Time periods and opening hooks, united again:


REGENCY

"The gale roared like a wild beast."
Diane Gaston, 'The Vanishing Vicountess'

"Leaning one broad shoulder against the wall, Hal Waterman exchanged an amused glance..."
Julia Justiss, 'A Most Unconventional Match'


RESTORATION

"What's wrong, Father? Is it bad news?"
Claire Thornton, 'City of Flames: The Abducted Heiress'


MEDIEVAL

"Even thoug it was Witches' Night, the first time the door latched rattled..."
Carol Townend, 'An Honourable Rogue'


TUDOR

"Her quarry was within her sight."
Amanda McCabe, 'A Sinful Alliance'


VIKING

"Annis pressed her lips together."
Michelle Styles, 'Taken by the Viking'


Julia and Wylie, you intrepid historic mix- and matchers, you both win a prize for playing along. Let Apprentice Writer know which of these six titles strikes your fancy, and she will send them to you after her experiment is done.

EXPERIMENT: The Big H, Report #1

Much is made of opening hook in lectures for aspiring writers eager to learn their craft. "You only get one chance to make a first impression", "Bookstore browsers decide whether to buy based on the first paragraph", etc.

So would a book from a line with less than the average number of full-length novel pages (<300) be more likely to start off with a strong hook, and would it reflect its time period from the get-go?

Gentle Reader - you decide. Try and match each opening the correct epoch :

a. Viking
b. Medieval
c. Tudor
d. Restoration
e. Regency
f. Regency

1. "Leaning one broad shoulder against the wall, H. exchanged an amused glance with E. as they watched the bridegroom pacing in front of the hearth."

2. "Even though it was Witches' Night, the first time the door latch rattled R. was not alarmed."

3. "A. pressed her lips together, trying to keep her head from moving as her maid plaited her hair."

4. "The gale roared like a wild beast. Under its savage attack, the ship creaked and moaned and begged for mercy."

5. "Her quarry was within her sight. M. peered through the tiny peephole, leaning close to the rough wooden wall as she examined the scene below."

6. " 'What's wrong, Father? Is it bad news?' J. asked. Instead of replying, J. continued to stare at the letter in his hand."

Apprentice Writer will confess that she wouldn't be able to place any of these excerpts, except to guess that the quote referring to Witches Night would be from one of the earlier time periods. In terms of hook, she would have to give this round to #4. Fixing hair, leaning on walls, reading letters, house noises and watching others unobserved can't really compete drama-wise with threatening shipwreck and drowning of large numbers of people.

Answers in comments later today.

EXPERIMENT: The Big H

There are many, many readers whose primary consumption involves the products of that mighty modern empire, Harlequin. Its global expansion, in geography and width of subgenres, is astonishing. Ask a non-romance reader what they think a romance novel is all about and chances are, that person will picture something resembling one of Harlequin's monthly category books, with a specific type of cover and title.

Apprentice Writer has never been drawn to category books, though she hasn't really figured out why. Some time ago, she won a book after enjoyable online chat with the author , and only realized it was a Harlequin title when it arrived in the mail. The story was set in an intersting period, had likable main characters, and for AW's taste was too short on plot developments and too long on introspection, with an ending that felt very quickly resolved for the number of times hero and heroine declared it could never happen. Was this a reflection of that particular author? Or was it a reflection of the tight wordcount and plot requirements set out for this line?

Is it fair to judge an entire line based on one book?

The answer, obviously, is no.

Yesterday was the annual Toronto WORD ON THE STREET celebration of all things literary. Harlequin's tent offered hundreds of titles with all proceeds donated to adult literacy charities. And voila: in between juggling junior apprentice writers #1-3, an experiment was born.

AW scooped up five Harlequin Historical titles, each from a different time period. Her plan is to read them concurrently and see what happens. Will plots follow a pattern? Will heros and heroines seem popped from a template? Will author skill result in uniquely memorable stories?

Tomorrow: Report #1.

Gentle Reader: are you a Harlequin fan? Why or why not?

Expressions of Strong Emotion

One of the things writers need to decide when creating characters is how they will express strong emotion.

Will it be a surface description?
"Frothmeister beheld the damage, and cursed."

Or will it be explicit?
"Frothmeister beheld the damage, and said (insert phrase of choice)."

If explicit, will it be some oft-heard phrase, or will the author take the delicious opportunity to be creative in a manner that reflects that particular character?
"Frothmeister beheld the damage, and bellowed 'Seeping slough of a half-giraffe, I'll thwortle those gronzites till they float!"

Sci-fi and fantasy writers have greater than usual opportunties for this sort of thing due to alternate world- and races- building that is part of their genre. The trick is for the reader to be able to figure out what is meant by a totally new-to-them word, via clues of context and personaltiy. In Ann Aguirre's GRIMSPACE, the characters eschew the regular version in favour of a different F-word: "Frack." There was a whole lot of fracking going on.

This was fine since it was clear from the first what was meant and why the characters felt it was called for. What threw Apprentice Writer out of the story was the sudden insertion of a conventional f-bomb. Why this change? Was it a typo? Was it an intentional contrast to the previous expression, for some purpose Apprentice Writer couldn't fathom from the text? Whatever the reason, the inconsistency brought the pace of the story to a crashing halt for this reader.

Then there is the opportunity provided by characters who have special interest in language. Daphne, the heroine of Loretta Chase's MR. IMPOSSIBLE, is a brilliant linguist, fluent in living and dead languages. And what is the expression of choice for this vocabulary-gifted character? "Good grief." A surprisingly conventional choice. Perhaps, intended to reflect Daphne's restricted nineteenth century social position.

In Sherry Thomas' PRIVATE ARRANGEMENTS, the heroine has a larger-than-life personality and does nothing in half measures. Her expression of choice is "Crumbs!", which amused Apprentice Writer very much as it made perfect sense that the tiny, broken bits of dust leftover from anything would be regarded negatively from her tycoon, big-picture perspective. It made perfect sense for her character.

Then we come to Apprentice Writer's current #1 favorite expression of strong emotion, taken from Joanna Bournes' MY LORD AND SPYMASTER, in which a hardened old spy learns of something surprising and responds,

"God's avenging chickens!"

Apprentice Writer defies any reader not to laugh. This is the second of Ms. Bournes' "Spy" books; the same character made a divine fowl reference in the first one too, but AW was so intent on blazing through the most excellent story that she didn't take the time to write it down. One can only hope that there will be a new and wonderful chicken expression in each of Ms. Bourne's books to come.

Gentle Reader, what unusual expressions have you come across?

The Historical Romance Heroine - A Definitive List

Anna Bowling of Unusual Historicals has penned a tongue-in-cheek list of historical romance heroine characteristics. Very funny.

Go, enjoy:

http://unusualhistoricals.blogspot.com/2008/09/women-historical-romance-heroine.html

Quote of the Day

From founding member Sarah at http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/:

"I don’t personally examine my own writing process closely because I don’t want to scare it or make it feel shy."

Wise words!

Bookbuilding: New Chapter Lures

Getting a reader to make it all the way through a book involves a whole series of challenges.

First, the cover has to be attractive enough (or come with enough word-of-mouth/blog buzz) to make a potential reader pick it up.

Next, it has to pass the Glance at Back Cover Blurb test.

Then, once actually cracked open, it must pass the First Paragraphs test (and for some PRs, the Final Sentence test.)

If the book has suvived this rigorous series of auditions, there is a good chance the PR will take it home.

But! It doesn't stop there. The book has to be strong enough to make the PR keep picking the book up after every time she/he stops reading to go do other things. Sometimes, even for lifelong, devoted readers, a whole great big book with never-ending words can become daunting, and turn the situation into a DNF from sheer exhaustion.

Some authors counteract this by giving each new chapter a catchy title. More power to them; Apprentice Writer has a hard enough time coming up with catchy book titles, let alone a few dozen more for chapters.

An alternative, handy little device called the EPIGRAPH.
Those little snippets of something or other that can head a new chapter. Apprentice Writer loves them, because they give a little taste of the topic in the upcoming chapter, because they often let the author show a different point of view or style than in the regular content which adds interesting contrast with the bulk of the wriring, and because they help ease the reader into the new subdivision.

There are as many potential ways to do this as there are writers.

One of the most common methods is to include a QUOTE This is Apprentice Writer's preferred method, along with definitions for new word creations:
"Greenager (n) : an ecologically conscious adolescent."

Jennifer Vandever used authentic quotes from the correspondence of Charlotte Bronte in 'The Bronte Project', going a step further by making each chapter title a phrase from that quote:
"It is painful to be dependent on the small stimulus letters give." C. Bronte to E. Nussey, 1850

Another popular method is to offer tips in the manner of an ADVICE COLUMNIST:
Eileen Rendahl , 'Unbridaled'
"Chloe's Guide for Runaway Brides: Don't pamper yourself in the days after your unwedding. Keep busy. Try a home improvement project. It's not like you have to keep that manicure nice for anything."

Cara Lockwood, 'I Did (But I Wouldn't Now)'
"Reason #2 to Divorce a Rock Star: He looks better in leather pants than you do."

Jennifer Crusie, 'Agnes and the Hitman', did this also with cooking advice and table manners.

In 'The Raven Prince', Elizabeth Hoyt unfolds a FAIRY TALE with parallels to the main story.

In 'Unpredictable', Eileen Cook began each chapter with a HOROCOPE.

In 'Confessions of a Serial Dater', Michelle Cunnah lists protagonist CONFESSIONS:
"Sometimes I wish I were a turtle. Amongst many other fine qualities, turtles can breathe through their asses, which would be a pretty handy fail-safe ability to possess..."

And the most successful epigraph gambit of them all may possibly be in Julia Quinn's 'The Duke and I', where each chapter opened with a tidbit of upper class GOSSIP taken from the scandalsheets written under the pen name of Lady Whistledown. Originally created as a means for Ms. Quinn to provide background information for the reader without having the novel characters engage in tedious long conversations about past history, Lady Whistledown took on a life or her own as readers tried to guess which of the novel characters the mysterious Lady really was. This reached the point that two followup volumes bear the Whistledown name in the anthology titles.

Gentle Reader, what other types of epigraphs have you encountered? And if you write: do you use them or not?

Hero Potential

A high percentage of Apprentice Writer's family members are glued to the TV today, by turn is agony and ecstasy on the whim of a soccer ball.

The Eurocup 2008 quarterfinals continue, with ludicrously fit, passionate men filling up the screen in a dozen camera angles including straight-from-the-top, UFO view) being ludicrously fit and passionate. The crowds in the stands are somewhat less fit but no less passionate. Or colorful, for that matter, since having a costume/wig/chest coloration lively enough to warrant notice by the cameras can liven up a long, long game.

Makes AW wonder: any fiction out there with soccer as a backdrop? She herself knows of none, whereas American style football makes an appearance in many a contemporary novel.

Gentle Readers,what say you? Do you know of such a book, or any other that features a different type of sport? (Apprentice Writer herself considers pondering on this subject sufficent exercise for the day).

CRAFT: Finding the Funny II

An article by Apprentice Writer which recently appeared in RomANTICS (the newsletter of her writer's group):

"Finding the Funny, Part I looked at breaking writing down into micro- (word) and mid-level (sentence and paragraph) writing to locate spots with potential for comic zing. Part II concentrates on the macro-level.

Macro Level: Scenes, Chapters, Characters, and Recurring Themes.
As scope of writing widens, humor insertion becomes more challenging. Writers can experiment with different techniques.

The well-known actor’s ‘rule’ of avoiding scenes with children or animals since they tend to steal the thunder can be put to good use:

“(For my blind date I decided to) borrow (St. Bernard) Mother Theresa. As soon as the leash hooked on to her collar, Mother Theresa grabbed the other end in her mouth and walked herself out the door. At the puppy playground, she lumbered off (until) a tiny yelping whirlwind of tricolored fur exploded from a tunnel. Mother Theresa froze. ‘Clementine, sit!’ the man who wasn’t Harrison Ford ordered. Mother Theresa sat. ”(Claire Cook, ‘Must Love Dogs’)

“Telephone: was Magda. ‘Bridget, hi! I was just ringing to say in the potty! In the potty! Do it in the potty!’ There was a loud crashing noise followed by the sound of running water in the background. ‘Magda!’ I yelled. ‘Sorry, hon’ she said, ‘I was just ringing to say tuck your willy inside the potty!’ ‘I’m in the middle of work’ I said pleadingly. ‘Fine, rub it in, you’re very glamorous and important and I’m stuck at home with two people who (don’t) speak English.’ “
(Helen Fielding, ‘Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason’)

Running gags can be effective, especially when turned on their heads after readers become accustomed to them:

“’You’re going to be okay, sir’ said Detective Mary Mary, yelling over her shoulder for a medic. ‘Call me Jack’ whispered Chief Inspector Jack Spratt (of the Nursery Crimes Division), ‘We’ve been through enough. I’ll be honest, Mary-‘ ‘-You should call me by my first name too, Jack.’ ‘Sorry. I’ll be honest, Mary-‘ ‘That’s better.’ “ (Jasper Fforde, “The Big Over Easy”)

Daring writers can try tweaking reader perception:

“The entire crime writing fraternity bade farewell to the last ‘locked room’ mystery at a large banquet held in its honor. (Then came) shocking news - the ‘locked room’ concept had been murdered – and in a locked room. The banquet was cancelled and police are investigating.”
(Jasper Fforde, “The Big Over Easy”)

Then there is the rich source of humor to be mined from the fact that a large percentage of all laughter is based on incongruity; something unexpected happens. Incongruity can take multiple shapes.

Physical humor – This is the earliest form of humor to develop, proven by babies as young as eight months laughing when someone falls down. For obvious reasons physical humor is easier to achieve in visual rather than literary media, but carefully done it can add a burst of flavor:

“I’m crouching under the utility sink in the laundry room, clutching Doug’s socks. Not all his socks, just one from each pair, to slowly drive him insane or better yet, drive him back home. I consider trying to stuff myself into the one empty dryer, I consider standing next to the wall (to) blend in with the surroundings, (then I) dive to the floor, pull the stacked laundry bags out (of their shelf), tuck myself in, and pull them back over me. The door opens and Doug walks in.” (Eileen Cook, “Unpredictable”)

“Somebody pushed her out of Heaven. She could have landed anywhere in the earthly realm; pavement, grass, the middle of the ocean…MarineLand in Niagara Falls. Or more precisely, the killer whale tank in MarineLand. PLOP.”
(Michelle Rowen, ‘Angel With Attitude’)

Dialogue/actions contrary to stereotypical gender/age/appearance expectations:

“I start crying again, and the grandmotherly old lady lays a gentle hand on my arm and brushes past, muttering ‘Move it, you feeble lush.’ Resolve in future to keep my airborne Marys virginal.” (Lee Nichols, “Tales of a Drama Queen”)

Under- or over-reaction:

“Bill and Enid were walking through Tadger's Wood one day, when suddenly they saw the collapse of Roman Imperialism. ’Gosh’ said Bill."
(Monty Python’s Flying Circus)

“Lord Berne gazed in the general direction of France.”
(Loretta Chase, “The Devil’s Delilah”

Juxtaposing a highly charged moment with something ordinary:

(Deciding whether to help release an aristocrat from chains and possible torture in an Egyptian dungeon:) ’That man is an idiot.’ ‘Yes, madam, but he’s all we’ve got’ said Beechey. ‘I may be stupid,’ Rupert said, ‘but I’m irresistibly attractive.’ ‘Good grief, conceited too’ she muttered. ‘And being a great, dumb ox’ he went on, ‘I’m wonderfully easy to manage.’ ‘He’s cheerful, madam’ Beechey said, ‘Is it not remarkable how he’s kept up his spirits in this vile place?’ Obligingly, Rupert began to whistle. ‘Obviously he doesn’t know any better,’ she said.
(Loretta Chase, ‘Mr. Impossible’)

Mix-ups are a useful device:

“This morning (I) got my antihistamine and spermicide sprays confused. I now have a vagina that can breathe more freely and nostrils I can safely have sex in for at least six hours.” (Kathy Lette, ‘A Stitch in Time’)

Unusual perspective:

“…this was right around the time endive was discovered, which was followed by arugula, which was followed by radicchio, which was followed by frisee, which was followed by the three M’s – mesclun, mache, and microgreens – and that, in a nutshell, is the history of the last forty years from the point of view of lettuce.” (Nora Ephron, “I Hate My Neck and Other Thoughts on Being a Woman”)

The Wrongest-Possible-Person can be tailored to fit many scenarios:

’Dear Sir, You sound too good to be true, but perhaps we could have a cup of coffee together anyhow.’
‘Dear Madam, Might I have the privilege of buying you coffee at Morning Glories at 10:00 a.m. this Saturday? I’ll be carrying a yellow rose.’
(at Morning Glories): ‘What are you doing here and where’d you get that rose, Dad?’ (Claire Cook, ‘Must Love Dogs’)

======================

Obviously, this is only a starter list for humor-seekers. More can be found in workshops, advice from favorite comedy writers, and, not least, by stopping to analyze “Why and at which writing level?” every time you read something that makes you laugh.

May the comedy muse smile on you in your quest to brighten your readers’ day.

(Some quotes modified to fit article format)"

Any favorite funny quotes from Gentle Readers?

CRAFT: Finding the Funny

An article by Apprentice Writer recently published in "RomANTICS" (the newsletter of her writer's group) and containing some favorite quotes:

"FINDING THE FUNNY, PART I

Do humorous scenes, characters and dialogue simply flow from your keyboarding fingers whenever your manuscript needs them?

Me neither.

Those lightning bolts from the comedy muse are rare and unpredictable. In between, the funny often needs to be coaxed along. Sometimes, breaking the writing down can help locate hidden spots with potential for comic zing.

Micro Level: Words
The smallest writerly building blocks often offer an easy way to inject humor.

Names have unlimited possibilities:

Hallelujah Clegg (Janet Mullany, ‘The Rules of Gentility’)
Grimauld Place (J.K. Rowling, ‘Harry Potter’ series; refers to a grim old place)
Village of Toot (Laura Kinsale, ‘My Sweet Folly’)

Nouns can be systematically examined for switch from a regular-type one to a more amusing one. Rubber boots are funnier than shoes, camels are funnier than horses, a cactus is funnier than grass, and so on. The same logic applies to verbs, adjectives and adverbs:

“Freya’s voice, prematurely leathered from smoking, scratched its way through the line.” (Lani Diane Rich, ‘Crazy in Love’)

“The other man gave Vimes a smile of manic friendliness. (His) pullover had a queasy zigzag pattern in many strange, unhappy colors.”
(Terry Pratchett, ‘Thud!’)

Sometimes, it’s possible to poke gentle fun at specific time periods and the obscure vocabulary unique to each:

“Where is your friend?” “He is exploded.” “Was he the victim of a revolutionary outrage?” “No, I meant to say he was found out.”
(Oscar Wilde, ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’)

”The hero, a handsome, well-bred man, pursued the heroine, crushing his lips to hers in a hansom cab and rumpling her pelisse. The villain, equally well-bred, did just about the same thing, except that in addition he thrust his hand inside her fichu.” (Margaret Atwood, ‘Lady Oracle’)

At the most creative extreme, inventing a word can up the humor quotient:

“Gabe ran hell-bent-for-leather holding a panful of lasagna, intent upon a pastafarian act of self-sacrifice. Theo caught him, but eight pounds of steaming cheesy goodness sailed through the window, scorching the (attacking zombies) and pollocking the wall with red sauce. ‘That’s it, throw snacks at them!’ shouted Tuck. ‘Fire a salvo of garlic bread next!’ ”
(Christopher Moore, ‘The Stupidest Angel’)

Mid Level: Sentences and Paragraphs
Many frequently occurring sentence/paragraph types are good candidates for amusement.

Physical descriptions of people, places and things offer loads of opportunity:

“What he looked mostly like was the part of the rocket that gets jettisoned over the Indian Ocean, plus a black homburg.”
(Donald E. Westlake, ‘What’s So Funny?’)

“…after much panicked scanning of the Scottish mainland, (he) discovered the location of the wedding somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. ‘I thought it was in Edinburgh!’ Seb roared. ‘It’s practically in Iceland,’ his stabbing finger a good quarter inch off the far northwest coast of Scotland. Anna stared at the island whose shape bore a startling resemblance to a hand making an uncomplimentary gesture with its middle finger.” (Wendy Holden, ‘Bad Heir Day’)

Units of measurement and timelines are great:

“(He’s) not a cop, Tiny. Not for seventeen months.” “I think the transition takes a little longer,” Tiny suggested. “Maybe three generations.”
(Donald E. Westlake, ‘What’s So Funny?’)

“7:15a.m. Hurrah! (Am) in functional relationship with adult male thereby proving not love pariah…Maybe Mark Darcy will wake up and talk to me about my opinions.
7:30a.m. Has not woken up. I know, will get up and make him fantastic breakfast with eggs Benedict or Florentine.
7:31a.m. Depending what eggs Benedict or Florentine actually are.”
(Helen Fielding, ‘Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason’)

Variations of well-known quotes can be effective:

“If you keep your head when all around you are losing theirs, it’s just possible you haven’t grasped the situation.” (Erma Bombeck; refers to Rudyard Kipling’s famous poem ending with “…then you’ll be a man, my son!”)

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman of fortune and passable good looks amuses herself in London with fashion, philanthropic works, and flirtation, until a suitable gentleman makes an offer.” (Janet Mullany, ‘The Rules of Gentility’; refers to Jane Austen’s ‘Pride &Prejudice’ opening lines)

Lists are wonderful because they can either start out reasonably and become increasingly silly, or can include one item that sticks out like a sore thumb:

“There were trolls in the Watch, plenty of dwarfs, one werewolf, three golems, an Igor and, not least, Corporal Nobbs (that was a bit of a slur on Nobby, [who] was human,[but] he was the only one who had to carry a certificate to prove it) so why not a vampire?”(Terry Pratchett, ‘Thud!’)

“No reprieve. In a world full of wars, famine and Bratz dolls, the angels or gods or whoever had bigger things than her to deal with.”
(Lani Diane Rich,‘Crazy in Love’)

Writers are often warned against inclusion of clichés. But clichés can work well in comedy, especially if given a twist:

“(The welcome party was) packed with people dressed in various interpretations of luau wear. Hawaiian shirts dominated, but there was also a healthy contingent of sarongs and one grass skirt. The guy in the grass skirt didn’t have the legs for it.” (Jennifer Crusie, ‘Manhunting’)

=======================

Part II will look at the macro-level of writing.
(Some quotes modified to fit article format)"

Any humor location techniques Gentle Readers may care to share?

Bookbuilding - ANALYSIS

Today, our final field trip into the world of novelbuilding pitfalls.


After visits to the twin pitfalls of setting staticus and momentum mortus, and the twin pitfalls of cultura non-equus and non-persona, a look at

PRIMUS IMPRESSIO FALSUS

wherein a book's first chapter gives a wrong impression of what to expect. Example:

The Raven Prince, a historical romance by Elizabeth Hoyt, is the first in the 'Prince' trilogy which shot the author to the top of repeated 'Favorite Book of the Year' lists. This genre frequently features ideal heros and heroines in terms of physical attributes and personal accomplishments, presumably to intensify the fairy-tale quality of such stories. This pretty much always includes such feats of masculine manliness as the hero being the tallest, most handsome, best swordsman, best marksman, wealthiest stock market investor... The list goes on, and includes, perforce, best horseman.

So when the protagonists of this story meet by having him fall off his galloping horse at her feet it is unexpected - and funny. The hero's wounded pride is well written, and memorable. Even more so when touched upon again in a very amusing pseudo-interview the author conducts with the hero at the end of the book (AW assumes this was used elsewhere for publicity purposes):

"...Edward's responses to the Romance Hero Rule Book:
1. HEROES ARE ALWAYS HANDSOME.
(snort) Well, that one is plain ludicrous. Who wants to read about pretty boys and macaronis, I ask you? A scar here and there lends a certain gravitas to a gentleman's countenance.
2. HEROES SHOULD NEVER FALL OFF THEIR HORSE.
Libel, sirrah! I have never, EVER, fallen off my horse and I will meet in the field of honor anyone who dares say so. It is true that, upon occasion, I have been UNSEATED, but that could happen to any gentleman and is an entirely different matter.
3. AND IF THEY DO FALL OFF, THEY DO NOT SWEAR.
I was not swearing. I merely called the beast a revolting lump of maggot-eaten hide, and - follow my reasoning closely here - the horse did not know what I was saying.
4. HEROES DO NOT START BRAWLS IN BROTHELS.
I did not actually start the brawl. Besides, what would you have me do when attacked by four men? Note: I did END the brawl.
5. HEROES DO NOT HAVE TROUBLE KEEPING THEIR SECRETARIES.
I am not sure what you are getting at...
6. HEROES ALWAYS KEEP THEIR TEMPER.
I do not have a temper and anyone who says so- (censored)
7. HEROES SHOULD NOT FANTASIZE ABOUT THE BREASTS OF THEIR FEMALE SECRETARIES.
What kind of namby-pamby novels are we talking about here? I should think-
8. HEROES SHOULD BE ROMANTIC.
Ha! HA! I have you there! I will have you know that Anna found absolutely no fault with my lovemaking. In fact-
9. HEROES DO NOT CONFUSE ROMANCE WITH LOVEMAKING.
(censored)
10. HEROES SHOULD BE TRANSPORTED BY TRUE LOVE.
With that I have no argument."

The opening scene, especially when taken together with the publicity teaser, raises powerful hope that the ongoing story will be marked by similar-type humor. As it turns out, the story settles into and remains within more dramatic parameters. The writing is excellent and the story well worth reading, but doesn't return to that lighthearted initial tone. So while Apprentice Writer enjoyed the novel and can recommend it, she was perplexed about the author's decision to point a certain way with the groundwork and then go in another direction.

Another example of primus impressio falsus is the contemporary romantic suspense novel The Damsel in This Dress, by Marianne Stillings.

It opens flawlessly:

"Hold on while I get out my thesaurus: this review is going to require more words than my paltry vocabulary contains. Ah, here we go: junk, dross, rubbish, detritus (oh, that's a good one), baloney, claptrap, drivel... To continue would require more space than this column allows, so let me simply conclude by saying that 'Strike Three for Death', J. Soldier McKennit's latest so-called crime drama is a waste of time and money. The plot is ludicrous, the characters stereotypical, the writing amateurish. What less could one ask for?"

The heroine is a book reviewer, the hero a police officer-turned-author who heartily resents her reviews. The first chapter builds up their mutual dislike excellently and humorously, creating great anticipation for their first meeting at a writer's convention. The meeting scene worked, but from that point on, for Apprentice Writer, the story steadily deflated in humor and interest as the body count steadily climbed for no particularly good reason and it seemed as though the heroine was of the sort that expects the hero to be more in charge of getting things done than she herself. By the time the finale rolled around, this reader was more interested in what was going on in the subplot between the hero's brother and the heroine's friend than the primary pair.

It's possible that this was a reflection of the fact that this was the author's first book. There have been several since, and though Apprentice Writer has not had a chance to take a second look, based on the strength of this very funny first chapter, she still plans to do so.

Inspiration: INDIA

Full disclosure: Apprentice Writer is partly of Indian descent. As such, she enjoys 'collecting' novels with Indian settings or features - even while cringing every time she picks up a new one. Why this paradox?

There is something about the timelessness, exoticism, color and spice of the south Asian subcontinent that gives flight to the imagination of multitudes of novelists, within and without its borders. Therein lie two potential novelbuilding pitfalls:
Cultura Non-Equus + Non Persona.*

Some stories set in this region** involve overt or subtly negative portrayal of South Asian people and/or culture, contrasting with positive portrayal of the protagonists' culture. This can range from older texts supporting colonial mentality (i.e. "India is filled with backward heathens in desparate need of British enlightenment to save them from themselves"), to newer texts wherein South Asian characters range from non-existant, to window-dressing equivalent to furniture in a room, to stereotypically villainous or comical secondary characters at most. How many South Asian-set novels mention the landscape, weather, foliage and animals - but no indigenous people, with all the action taking place between, say, European or American characters? How many mention local characters solely to comment upon turbans or saris worn and curry eaten, without any description of their actual lives or families? How many only allow love interests to develop when Western characters encounter one another, with the unspoken rule that cross-cultural romance is out of the question?***

To be fair, balancing all these elements fairly against one another is a tricky business. Happily, there are many new and established novelists willing to wrestle with the issues in an intelligent, entertaining manner.

Specimens from Apprentice Writer's India collection:

A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry (dramatic fiction): A beautifully written, wrenching book about living under a dictatorship and how there can be no excuse whatsoever to maintain the caste system. Not a light or easy read, but should be on the required reading list of anyone who strives for an informed world view.

The Far Pavillions by M.M. Kaye (historical action adventure): An epic novel set in colonial times, describing a fairytale bygone era and lovers trying to reach across a cultural divide.

A Suitable Boy by Vikram Seth (contemporary fiction): A doorstopper of a book telling an appealling tale of family relationships in modern India. The author skillfully makes all three suitors of the young heroine equally attractive; she chose well in the end but Apprentice Writer keenly felt the loss of the other two.

The Sandalwood Princess by Loretta Chase (historical romanctic suspense): An entertaining novella of romantic and cultural intrigue.

Brick Lane**** by Monica Ali (contemporary dramatic fiction): Mirrors the struggle of a traditional young wife to adjust to modern London and the expectations of her co-expatriates there, with the struggle of her sister at home to surmount misogynistic attitudes. An eye-opening tale.

Bollywood Confidential and Goddess for Hire by Sonia Singh (chicklit): Both novels have great cover art, Indo-American heroines, and a modern chick-lit feel. Though Apprentice Writer didn't fully engage with either heroine or either novel resolution, she did like the author's imagination and new territory coverned. It was a refreshing change, and raises interest for the new imprint Harlequin will shortly launch in India.

The next specimen to be added to the collection:

DUKE OF SHADOWS, by Meredith Duran
This new historical romance release received mega buzz. Hopefully the story will live up to its impressive publicity, and - just as important - avoid CULTURA NON-EQUUS and NON PERSONA.

* (Apprentice Writer's Latin is next to non-existant. Apologies to Latinphiles everywhere.)
** (Yes, Apprentice Writer is aware that this pitfall afflicts other geographies as well. African cultures and peoples are often especially hard done by in terms of non-cultura equus and non persona.)
*** (This does not mean to imply that stories set in India without prominent Indian characters, etc. automatically indicate a negative attitude. There could be all kinds of reasons to structure a story that way. But: the longer the story in such a setting without a significant Indian character(s), the greater the risk the author runs of giving such a perception.)
**** (Yes, Apprentice Writer is aware that the protagonists of this book are from Bangladesh rather than India. She thinks the same principles apply.)