"And now a pause for jocularity...."

Apprentice Writer is deep in the throes (this will shortly strike the Gentle Reader as funny) of new-and-improving her query.

A query, for those who may not live in the book world, is a brief letter an aspiring author addresses to a literary agent. It is supposed to entice the agent to read the first pages of a manuscript and then hopefully sign the writer on as a client before going on to sell that manuscript to a publisher on the writer's behalf.

New-and-improving her query currently involves working through the archives of the blog Query Shark by literary agent Janet Reid. Ms. Reid routinely eviscerates (her word) the queries voluntarily sent in by hopefuls such as AW. Witnessing the dismemberment is in equal parts terrifying and educational; AW is in awe of the hapless writers who dare present their work for the shark and all the blogosphere to see.

Tucked in among the earnest efforts is the occasional spoof. AW came across one today that made her laugh so much she wanted to share. Enjoy.

Notable Quotes: 'Huh?' Edition

"Classical musicians were the rock stars of their day, much like the rock stars of today are the notaries public of tomorrow."

Anyone care to explain to Apprentice Writer what, exactly, this means?

In case it's helpful: it was taken from today's Groupon email attempting to entice AW with the featured deal of the day. For the curious: AW chose not to take advantage of it.

Book Launch: SAINT SANGUINUS

The absotively, posilutely best thing about the interwebs is discovering like-minded friends in far-off places.

Today is launch day for SAINT SANGUINUS,
the debut novel of Apprentice Writer's online amiga Julia Phillips Smith. AW is delighted to introduce this brand-spanking new author, and have the chance to pick her newly professional writerly brain.

Congratulations, Julia! First things first: the cover. Did you have input regarding art or title?

One of the pluses - or minuses depending on your point of view - of self-publishing is the amount of creative control an author has over the finished product. In traditional publishing one can fill out a style sheet and suggest things, but it's really the marketing department that has the final say as to cover art and title of the book. An author has to trust that it's in the best interests of everyone involved to produce the best cover possible, with the catchiest, stop-em-in-their tracks title, ever.

With self-publishing, it's important to pay attention to other covers currently in the marketplace. Does your genre tend to feature a hero brandishing a weapon? Does your genre currently trend toward blue covers, or red, or orange? What do the covers of the top sellers in your genre look like?

Unless you're someone with graphic design skills, I wouldn't recommend designing your own cover. Hiring a professional to do your story justice - a story into which you've likely poured your heart and soul - will result in the wonderful moment when you first gaze upon a dream come true.

As for my title, I followed the time-honored convention of naming a superhero origin story after the title character.

The title certainly is memorable! What comes to you first: hero? Heroine? Ending? One-liners?

For me, stories always come in a vision-like flash. I'll be minding my own business, and then wham! I'm deep in the midst of a dramatic sequence unfolding in my mind's eye, and I haven't the slightest clue what's going on. Who is he? Why are they doing that to him? What's going on here?

Then I have to sort out what's what, almost like stumbling into a playground fight and listening to everyone's 'He started it!'

I can honestly say no character has ever come to me in quite that way. What's your favorite scene in 'Saint Sanguinus'?

My favorite scene comes toward the end, during the big set piece. Hero in jeopardy, deep in the Black Moment - my favorite! If it was a film, it would be the part I obsessively watch over and over again. Not that I'm prone to doing that *cough, cough*

Heh. What's a typical writing day look like for you?
Once upon a time, I didn't have a typical writing day. I wrote in creative bursts.

But over the years I've definitely developed a writing routine. Mon-Fri I work at my day job. So during the week I wait until evening to climb into the creativity cockpit. I'm a night owl by nature, so writing from 8:30-12:30 or sometimes 2:00am works best for me. That's when I'm really on. Even on the weekends, when theoretically I could write at any time, I still do my best writing between 8:00 pm and 2:00 am.

I love the image of climbing into the creativity cockpit. How does your family feel about you being an author?

I come from a creative background, so I've always had 100% support. No need to explain why I need to hibernate and ignore the garden, for example. Even my dog seems to encourage my scheduled time at the computer.

My garden and children don't seem to operate that way. Your best writing habit?

This has evolved directly from participating in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month - taking place right now! www.nanowrimo.org). I followed one character exclusively during the writing marathon, realizing it took too much mental rearranging to go back and forth between points of view. I then followed the heroine's POV exclusively. This helped me to realize that immersing myself wholly into the character is vital, and it's a new way of working that I'm now applying to all my stories.

I've never tried that technique before. Perhaps I should experiment! Worst writing vice?

Trying to tune into the revisions channel in my head. For the longest time, I thought it was a matter of finely tuning the same invisible dial that brought me to the story in the first place. Finally, it dawned on me that there is no revisions channel, at least not like the Generating A New Story channel that runs 24/7 in my mind.

Instead I had to get my own shiny revisions toolkit from the Put On Your Big Girl Panties store and just get on with it.

Social Networking: wolf in sheep's clothing or blessing in disguise?

Social networking is an immense, globally available, free marketing tool no writer should leave out of his or her press kit.

As a longtime blogger, I have online friendships with people all over the world. Think of attempting to spread word-of-mouth promo in countries like Australia, England, Denmark, Israel and all across the US by traditional means. This is already accomplished for me, because I have blog friends in all those places.

Nightstand Inspection! What was the last ____ you read?

Contemporary: The Christmas Baby Bump, by Lynne Marshall
Historical: Heiress in Love, by Christina Brooke
UF/Paranormal/Fantasy: The Strangely Beautiful Tale of Miss Percy Parker, by Leanna Renee Hieber
Mystery/Suspense/Thriller: Spring Break, by Kayla Perrin
Memoir/Non-Fiction: The Supernatural Companions, by Nicholas Knight

That's quite the diverse lineup. Who is your writing idol and why?

Jo Beverly. She takes the time to place the reader squarely in the time and place of her historical romances, without ever slowing the pace of her stories. She never lets modern sensibilities intrude upon the historical tale she's telling. She manages to address the unromantic truths of her historic time periods without losing the shine of her happily ever after. Plus, she's a master of dialogue that carries the rhythms of real speakers, while still managing to weave story momentum within it.

Wow. I hope I write stories like Jo Beverly when I grow up. Just, like, in contemporary times and with comedy instead of historical drama and stuff.
Which literary character do you wish you'd thought of first?

Quentin Tarantino's The Bride from the "Kill Bill" series. But I'm glad he did think of such a kick-ass heroine.

You betray your roots by your choice of ultimate character from cinema instead of printed page!
Best piece of advice for aspiring writers?

The biggest thing - when you hit the point when you leave behind the infatuation stage with your own raw talent and now face the cliff-climbing phase of perfecting your craft - once you get to the top of that cliff, you will be like The Bride. You will kick ass yourself. Keep going.

I'm somewhere on that cliff now too.
How much tech know-how should one have to self-publish? Should a person like Apprentice Writer who barely manages to log on to Twitter or Facebook simply exclude that road to publication?

No, you don't have to exclude it. But you will have to be willing to pay other people to do the various aspects for you.

Self-publishing means wearing many hats, but it doesn't mean you will do every job yourself. I've hired my own little project team to prepare SAINT SANGUINUS for publication, including a graphic designer for the cover, a producer for the book trailer, a copy editor/proofreader for the manuscript and a formatter for the e-book prep.

Each book will require its own creative/technical team. Skimping on these aspects will produce an inferior product going out to readers, and I personally don't want to have my name on that.

A true co-operative effort. Anything else you'd like to share with AW's readers?

There was a time in my life when following my dreams seemed to have turned into a colossal joke. In embracing my artistic aspirations, I had a film degree but no way to pursue that field, because unforeseen health issues made working for free - in order to collect film credits - a complete impossibility.

Obviously, even through truly soul-crushing times, I managed somehow to hold onto my original dreams. Even though I tried to keep them at arms' length, they hid in little places deep inside of me. I kept working at telling stories by learning to write novels instead of making films.

In my personal life, my husband and I managed to climb out of the financial pit in which we'd languished. The health issues continued, but over time we've learned not only how to live with them, but flourish despite them. Suddenly, planets alligned or something, because things started falling into place at a rapid rate this year.

So what I'd like to share with your readers is this. Life really does kick you in the gut sometimes. The dark part of "...it's always darkest before the dawn..." can choke you into unconsciousness. But take it from me.

DON'T give up. NEVER give up.

Thanks Julia, for showing your story so honestly.

Gentle Readers, you can purchase SAINT SANGUINUS from Amazon from 18 November.

Visit Julia at www.juliaphillipssmith.com to learn more.

Review: EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT LOVE I LEARNED FROM ROMANCE NOVELS

EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT LOVE
I LEARNED FROM ROMANCE NOVELS
Sarah Wendell
Non-Fiction
Sourcebooks, October 2011

Premise: Blogger and devotee of the much-maligned genre draws helpful real-life insights about personal growth and relationships from the books, their authors, and their fans.

Cover: In a book with an already high tongue-in-cheek factor, the cover may be the tongue-in-cheekiest of all. The iconic clinch-cover image is obscured by what looks like brown paper wrapping, a clear and sassy nod to the perception that the genre is merely "chick porn" (hence reference to delivery method of X-rated material in the days before internet and the author's name looking handwritten, as in a postal address). It made Apprentice Writer laugh, which is a great way to begin a relationship with a book before the first page is even read.

What Works: A lot.

The author's trademark funny, breezy, low-key conversational style, familiar to legions of her website and twitter followers, translates seamlessly to the printed non-fiction page. New readers should be aware that this style sometimes includes expressions that may not be suitable at work, or with kids reading along. On the other hand, it provides learning opportunties for new vocabulary - AW, for example, had not come across the terms "giddypants" or "crapmonkeys" before.

Another appealling aspect is that the author does not set herself up as the one with all the expertise. She shares her views (sometimes vehemently; witness "giddypants" and "crapmonkeys") however for every personal opinion stated she seeks out those of others as well, and in so doing, gives equal measure to those crafting the tales and those consuming them. This is a refreshing reminder that the book community is composed not just of writers influencing readers through their work but equally of readers influencing writers through their reactions to and discussions about that work.

When Sarah Wendell sends out a query into the blogosphere or twitterverse, she really truly (to use the technical term) listens to the responses that boomerang back, and incorporates them into a more expanded understanding of whatever the issue may be. This collaborative attitude permeates the whole book, and is encapsulated in the dedication to "...the fabulous readers who have come to Smart Bitches over the years to talk romance novels, celebrate the excellence, and bemoan the bizarre."

This willingness to explore said bizarre is also a plus, of the book and the site. If the internet is to be believed (and why in the world shouldn't it?) (Just kidding. Kind of.) that vast army of romance novel afficionados that singlehandedly drives the lion's share of profits of the mass-market publishing industry can roughly be divided into two camps: those who believe it is "mean" to mention anything critical about a romance novel (meaning reviews are all rainbows and roses), and those who believe in mentioning aspects that could be improved (meaning reviews run the gamut between all out raves and full on evisceration. AW, the Gentle Reader may have guessed, leans toward the side that says all types of honest reviews are legitimate so long as this doesn't cross the line into personal slights or attacks on the author.

AW loved the mix of analysis and jokes/gentle teasing about certain common features, such as:

"...4..A romance heroine doesn't just stand by her man, she stands up to him!....5. A romance hero must always be willing to rush into a burning building to save a basket of kittens."

"...Reading romances and taking them literally is definitely not the path to everlasting happiness. There are some crazy over-the-top plots that would never fly in the real world...For any (real-life) men who may be reading this...if you like a girl, I suggest asking her out on a date, in preference to threatening to turn her ecologically sound tourism location into a strip mall."

AW's favorite parts were pseudo-scientific lists and tables. The list of best heros of all time, for example (who's #1? P&P's Mr. Darcy, of course) should provide endless room for debate on correctness of numeration and inclusion, the suggested newbie shopping list of ten iconic novels to start a romance collection that spans most subgenres and which AW imagines was Holy-Melting-Eyebrows-Batman difficult to keep so brief for a passionate lover (ha!) of the genre, the step by step guide to looking like a romance hero ("Step 1: Acquire a mullet. Step 5: Ensure that the wind is buffeting your manly chestular landscape in as flattering a manner as possible.").

Perhaps the most educational (albeit snortworthy) aspect for people who think that all romance is of the Harlequin Presents type (i.e. with a title along the lines of "The Latvian Tycoon Playboy Sheikh Billionaire's Virgin Pregnant Secretary Mistress Bride") is the graph "Which Romance Are You?" which illustrates how diverse the genre really is. It puts specific questions to each of 9 subgenres. In this way, one learns that the answer to the question "How Do You Like Your Steak?" is "Mooing" in Western and "Hairy in Paranormal, the answer to the question "What is Your Favorite Dessert?" is "whipped cream" for erotica and "anything on fire" for romantic suspense, and the answer for "What is Your Favorite Holiday?" is "Boss's Day" for Harlequin Presents and "Talk Like a Pirate Day" for Historical.


What Doesn't: Not so much a criticism as a desire for a specific point's greater emphasis of a or repetition (not, AW grants you, the usual type of request).

The author mentions early on how the life lessons explored are taken from more more recent decades, and may not be contained in quite the same way (or at all) in some older examples of the genre. This is so true, and significant, that AW almost feels like it should be tacked onto the bottom of each page of this book as a warning message. As in: "This is old-skool romance! May contain the opposite of messages like "We Know Who We are, and We Know Our Own Worth", "We Know How to Solve Problems", and especially "Happy Endings Take Work"! Content may be hazardous to feminist sentiments, the concept of men and women being equal partners, the expectation that men NOT solve every problem with might-makes-right, and the idea that women need to do more than just look pretty and blush on cue!"

Failing such distinction between what was then and what is now could lead readers newly willing to give the genre a try to feel like all their preconceived notions were well-founded. AW can certainly remember a couple of earlier-published works that ended up being thrown against a wall from the time that she had newly discovered the genre. Luckily for her, she simultaneously came across some other volumes with much more positive underlying messages (plus great writing) so continued exploring rather than giving up on the genre.


Things AW Wishes Had Been Included:
1. The author's husband's reaction. Not just because a person detailing all the great things they've learned about love just BEGS for a statement from that person's spouse. Not just because it would be nod to the Great Romance Debate on novels told only from the heroine's point of view vs. inclusion of the hero's point of view. But because this particular spouse once did a book review on his wife's site and as AW recalls he was just as funny as she.

2. A stepback cover. As AW may have mentioned (one or two dozen times), she loathes stepback covers because she has yet to see one that she didn't think was snarkworthy to the highest degree. It would have been a lot of fun to see a parody.

Overall: Strikes a good balance between thoughtful and entertaining. Readers already familiar with the author will not be disappointed, while those for whom this is new territory might well rethink a preconceived or perhaps outdated notion or two, and, who knows? Even pick up one of the myriad books mentioned, see if it clicks for them, and whether they can draw a worthwhile life lesson from it themselves.

Health Promotion: INCENTIVE MUCH?

Usually, Apprentice Writer's Health Promotion posts take the form of something funny to create an immune-system boosting effect. Today, it will take the form of something humiliating to create an aerobic-encouraging effect.

See this gentleman? He is 100. And COMPETING IN THE TORONTO MARATHON.

That's right, the 'Turbanned Tornado', Mr. Fauja Singh, is not satisfied to sit on his sofa, reminiscing about days of yore and dispensing wise advice. Instead he has set a goal to achieve world records in a slew of running distances, and will most likely succeed as there are - surprise, surprise (not) - no existing world records for many of them for an individual of his age.

Apprentice Writer must confess that her admiration for Mr. Singh is, sadly, not entirely pure. It is tainted by disgruntlement. Because all the excuses she regularly applies as to why she is too busy to exercise pretty much expire of shame in the face of such just-do-it-ness.

AW is left with one question: why in the world doesn't Mr. Singh have a Nike endorsement deal????

Review: THE ROSE GARDEN

THE ROSE GARDEN
Susanna Kearsley

Timetravel
Sourcebooks, October 2011

Premise: Grieving contemporary woman returns to childhood Cornwall home and begins travelling back in time to an era of smugglers and uprisings.

Cover: Title - very pretty, but held more significance for the contemporary portion of the story than the historical. Would have liked it if a title had been found that was equally significant to both time periods.
Art - Lovely, and much more eye-catching and also fitting than the art on the ARC Apprentice Writer received, which put her in mind of a story of a brave cancer survivor or some such. This one shows a titular rose, colors that recall the sepia tints of old daguerrotypes, and features hair (in a style which could be historical or contemporary) as the central element - so right for the story. Very well done.

What Works: The author has above average writing skill and an engaging style which draws the reader into the story, an effect which is further enhanced by use of first person and sympathy the reader feels for the protagonist from the first page as she talks of how bereft she is following the death of her beloved older sister.

The choice to have the protagonist keep going back and forth between time periods, as opposed to leaping close to the start and spending the bulk of the story in the past/future, with a final leap back to own time at the end, created a great contrast between typical daily life challenges of average people now (setting up a new business, keeping on old one viable, negotiating dating life) and typical life challenges then (having to be watchful of local law enforcement due to no recourse to higher authority, political choices that can mean swift and bloody death no matter which side one comes down on, gender inequality that placed any female without male protectors with enough muscle and in close enough proximity at risk, the sheer labor and difficulty associated with tasks of daily life).

Finally, a great strength of this book is the historical love interest. How Apprentice Writer adored him, his relationship to his brother and best friend, the way he chooses to deal with economic and political reality of the time, but most of all, how he responds to a woman with modern sensibilities. He was swoonworthy, and AW would have been happy to read more about his backstory and what happens next to him. He gives Jamie Fraser (of the mega timetravel hit "Outlander) - who is #2 on the list of best romantic heros of all times, as compiled by fellow Sourcebooks author Sarah Wendell ("Everything I Know About Love I Learned from Romanc Novels" review to come shortly), a run for his money. If anything, Daniel Butler comes out ahead, considering Jamie's unfortunate disciplinary episode (cue groaning of the "Outlander" faithful).

What Doesn't: In AW's view, if you going to write a timetravel, then do the reader the courtesy of not treating the actual timetravel element like a trivial afterthought. In this case, the explanations of where and to whom it happened were tepid and unconvincing (because the conditions for both should have affected many, many more people than it did) while the explanation of why it happened at some times and not others was never given. The fact that the protagonist seemed to show such little curiosity about the mechanics of the thing gave this reader an ever dimmer opninion about her intelligence. It also made her WILD that in contrast to, say, Henry of "The Time Traveller's Wife" who cannot take anything with him from the old place (including clothes) when he shifts, the protagonist here could, but never thought to do so. You can bet your sweet petticoat that AW would have taken care to have a supply of toothpaste/brush, dental floss, aspirin, swiss army knife, and feminine hygiene products with her at times.

Apart from the personal grooming aspect, AW was very surprised at how the protagonist never thought of the possibility of some small gift for the two historical men who literally risk their lives for her, given that having other people of their time seeing her appear or disappear would brand them as associates of a witch. There is a whole subtheme of capacity to create fire (in the form of skill to strike a spark), thus symbolizing access to light, life-giving warmth, capacity to eat, and feeling of security - all of which the hero and his best friend continually bestow on the heroine. The hero even shows special interest in the future invention of matches. But does the heroine think to slip a lousy book of matches for him in her jeans pocket, or some small modern kitchen gadget in recognition of her adopted brother's culinary interest? Not at all. This willingness of the heroine to accept all the tangible and intangible gifts offered to her by these men without any notion of return created an uncomfortable sense of imbalance, all the more peculiar considering the extravagant gift she bestows on some secondary characters in the contemporary time.

Overall: The single word previous reviewers seem to apply most often to this novel is "haunting"; AW would agree with that, as well as the "well-written" description. The story is more about the psychology and emotion of the person going back and forth in time rather than the action-adventure (such as found in "Outlander") or the modern time luxuries/olden time privations angle (such as found in "Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict"). From this perspective, the feelings and actions of the cast of characters was (with exception mentioned above) convincing and satisfying.

Steve Jobs 1955-2011

"No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. (Yet) death is very likely the single best invention of life. It is life's change agent."

(From his commencement address to a college graduating class in 2005, in which he remarked on having himself dropped out of college)

How many aspiring writers like this one have been influenced, to larger or smaller degree, by this man's creativity?

Countless.

RIP Mr. Jobs.